There's a big problem in Hollywood. Batman refuses to eat on film.
We've all heard of the Bechtel test for feminism in film. It requires that two ladies talk to each other for a minimum of fifteen unedited minutes about a woman that doesn't have a penis or organic farming.
Dr Nils Gerlick added the Gerlick test of fat acceptance. It requires that action heroes must take five minutes on film to enjoy a high calorie food item without shame.
Warner Bros. has leapt into action and says Bats will be in full compliance in upcoming projects.
In the upcoming "Shogun Batman" Mr. Wayne takes a break from punching Asian actors to enjoy a heaping bowl of hot noodles.
The steam wafts and he slurps and gulps greedily. A live mollusk creature that swam in the broth soon finds his way into Batman's cruel mouth, where incisors slice and stab and molars crush.
A loud belch punctuates the scene and he rises from the table with new and vital energy .
In "Sausage Fist", The Riddler locks Batman in a school bus filled with hot dogs.
Of course there is a catch and every third hotdog has pieces of glass in it and the bus is headed to a peewee football game that is almost over.
He eats about seventy hot dogs, grunting and smacking his lips. He occasionally spits out little pieces of glass.
Unfortunately time is running out and there is over six hundred hot dogs left! Thinking quickly. Batman presses his fingers to throat as he feels his bowels also begin to rumble.
Can Batman puke and shit on enough hot dogs to scare off the hungry kids? Find out!
"Batman BVU, Special needs unit". was 90s television at it's most inspiring.
Kyle Frederics has Klarg's syndrome. It makes it hard for him to learn stuff and he ruined his teeth by chewing on wooden chairs.
One fateful night his mom bought him a Batman cowl and a bag with several large kitchen knives.
He saved a man and his groceries who was being chased by store security.
Several stabs later the rescued shopper gave "Batman" a colorful donut that he explored with his tongue for many long lingering shots.
Sirens rang out in the distance and the shopper vanished but the sacred moment continued. He tonged and nibbled his prize while the last of the life flowed out of the security guard at his feet.
It was then revealed that Kyle was molested by his special needs school teacher which is why he did the bad stuff.